Family Life: True Love and True Love of Self

(Fr. Andrew’s homily for Sunday, December 31^st 2023)

Families are complex systems of relationships... Today I would like to offer some thoughts about how to play our own family role in the best possible way.

We must love one another as Jesus has loved us. We must love our neighbor as we love ourselves. How should we love ourselves? How did Jesus love us? What does it mean to love, to truly love in a family?

1.  Each one of us is like a family of parts, or aspects. Sometimes we love certain parts or aspects of people and not others. We may love how some people look and at the same time extremely dislike their opinions. Or we may enjoy playing tennis with someone and completely ignore their personal lives.

In any case, we may distinguish several aspects in people: bodily health, emotional stability and comfort, intellectual abilities and their degree of development, spiritual openness and/or maturity, and some of those parts can be further divided in other aspects or parts. All of these parts compose who I am and who my neighbor is. All of these parts are meant to be in harmony, like a family. All of these parts must be loved in my neighbor. Each of these parts must be loved also in myself.

God created all these parts in harmony. Sin destroyed this harmony and debilitated each part. Jesus loved all of these parts in Himself, in me and in my neighbor, and He endeavored to restore harmony in us by His grace.

Let us try to apply these concepts to our lives. When we love someone, we give them what we consider good for us. In this sense, we love others as we love ourselves. But Jesus meant more than this when He said “you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” How do we love myself? What things do I love for myself? Sometimes we think we love ourselves and we actually love dearly only one aspect or a few aspects of ourselves. Perhaps we are very concerned about our bodily health but not so much about our spiritual growth. Or we are very concerned about our intellectual development or about our economic success, but not so much about our emotional stability and comfort. And you know what? This is how we treat people around us. This is how we love our neighbor. For example, when I myself am focused on economic success and do not rest properly, as I should, I probably will not care much about other people’s needing rest or vacation.

We should love our whole neighbor, especially in their most important aspects. But, in order to do that, we must love ourselves in those same aspects. What kind of concern will I have for my neighbor’s soul, for their eternal salvation, if I myself am not so worried about going to Mass, doing confession or praying? How can I expect the members of my family to care for God and His Church if I myself do not prioritize going to Church in my own life?

2.  Another interesting characteristic of love is the following: loving ourselves and loving our neighbor go together. This is true in two senses. First, the goods we do not possess come from our neighbor. Our neighbor, that is, our parents, our teachers, our priests, our friends, etc. are the source of many and the most important things we have. And they are also the source of many and the most important things which we need and still do not have. It is not simply that we love them because we get something from them: we also recognize that they were free to give, and they chose to give us what we now have. We recognize that they are now free to give, and they want to give us what they have and we still need. They are good! They are good to us! The best that can happen to you is to have someone who cares for you. We all must be thankful, especially children towards their parents.

Second, loving your neighbor and loving yourself go together in another sense. We are made for love, for relationship, and this is why the more we have the more we feel the need to share with others. True, this is sometimes done in unhealthy or uncharitable ways: someone who is rich, for example, may prefer to “share” by simply showing off before other people. Other people may use talents, beauty or knowledge as a certain instrument of domination, or to be looked at as superior to the others. However, it is interesting that when we possess a treasure, we cannot keep it hidden, but in one way or another we need to “let it go” and fructify.

All our capacities are meant for loving our neighbor: we ourselves blossom and shine only when we love. If you are wise, the best you can do for yourself is to teach others: this will fulfill you and others at the same time. If you are rich, the best you can do is to help the poor and to spend your money in the right way: you will become a better person and society around you will develop as well.

We all must be generous in our families, but be careful: do not be generous with something you do not have. You cannot give what you need for yourself: if you do, you will become exhausted and you will leave the others without you. Loving yourself, in this case also, is loving your neighbor. Another time we can talk about the times in which you need to sacrifice yourself for others, what you can sacrifice and what you cannot sacrifice, etc.

3.  Lastly, perhaps you think you have nothing to give because you are poor, sick or incapacitated in some way. Remember: one of the best gifts you can give a person is your own need, your request for help, your vulnerability. Look at Jesus in the manger. Whoever asks for help makes another person rich: when you ask for help, you make people feel that they can make a difference, that they have something to give. Asking for help is one of the best gifts and it is also costly: it costs humility. Loving our neighbor is also allowing them to love us, requesting their love.

May God give peace to our families!