Some Thoughts on How to Moderate Anger
Since today’s readings keep showing
us God’s mercy towards the sinner, let me continue my reflections on anger.
Anger is what makes it so difficult for us to be merciful as God is merciful.
Let me give you four suggestions to moderate our bad anger.
1.
Fulton Sheen[1]
described the bad anger as “the anger of the clenched fist prepared to strike
not in defense of that which is loved but in offense against that which is
hated.” What does it mean to defend that which is loved? Supposed that a shirt
you love gets stained, right before you go to a party. You don’t begin hating your
shirt because of the stain: you hate the stain because it doesn't allow you to
enjoy your shirt and wear it at the party. Sinners should be seen as lovely
shirts that only need a little wash or a stain remover... Well, sometimes
it’s easy to get the stain out, other times you need to scrub: however, you
never scrub so hard as to ruin your lovely shirt. Good anger is like that
perfect scrubbing, which is an act of love for the sinner, so that the sinner
may shine again with the goodness God wants for him or her. Good anger does not
destroy the sinner by condemnation: it points out the fault that needs to be
destroyed, but gives the sinner hope and shows love and concern for the sinner...
2.
Jesus forgave
his own killers because they, He said, “do not know what they are doing.” Something
which may help us to moderate our anger against others is to consider their
ignorance about what they are doing, our own ignorance about them, and our
ignorance about ourselves.
-
Even when people know they are doing wrong, there are many things they
may not know. They may not fully realize the consequences of what they are
doing. They may not realize how much they hurt us. They may even think that
they are somehow justified and that what they are doing is “not so bad, after
all.” Does it not happen to us all? As Fulton Sheen points out, when we are
angry, “We too often forget how little we know about
[other people’s] hearts and say: ‘I cannot see that they have the slightest
excuse; they knew very well what they were doing.’ And yet in exactly the same
circumstances, Jesus found an excuse: ‘they know not what they do’. We know
nothing about the inside of our neighbor's heart and hence we refuse to
forgive; He knew the heart inside out and because He did know, He forgave.”
Jesus knew how much His killers did not know and, therefore, He preferred to
forgive and be merciful. We know nothing about our neighbor’s heart: we also should
forgive.
We
can always say that those who hurt us may not know, because we actually don’t
know. We can’t see our neighbor’s heart.
- We do not know ourselves either, at least not
very well. Fulton Sheen has another difficult phrase: “If we met ourselves in
others, we would hate them.” He says that, if we stopped drowning our
conscience’ voice “in amusement, distractions and noise,” our conscience would
tell us many things which we may not want to hear. This is why he says, “If we
knew ourselves better, we would be more forgiving of others.” This is why, when
Jesus said, “Let the one without sin throw the first stone”, the older people
were the first to leave: they knew themselves better, they had more experience
of how difficult life can be, they remembered better that their own choices had
not always been the best.
3. Many times we punish in other
people the very things we hate in ourselves. Let me give an example. Suppose
that achievement makes you feel secure: therefore, when some weakness of yours
threatens your achievement, you get upset because you feel insecure. And if
someone is helping you and that someone does not do on time what they were supposed
to do, you get upset at that person for the same reason: you feel insecure
because your achievement is being jeopardized.
If
we knew better what is it that makes us feel secure, worthy or lovable, we
would find the reason we get angry at people and at ourselves. Instead, if we
knew that, no matter what happens to us and no matter how many mistakes we have
done, someone loves us and gives us another chance, we would never get upset...
The reason you are loved is that God is good, and nothing can change that. The
only one powerful enough to make the story of God’s love come to an end is yourself,
when you do not want to repent. But God never closes His heart to forgiveness.
God does not change, and that is why we all can change and do better.
The
reason we get angry is because we love something and we are afraid of losing
it. When we perceive that someone is threatening that which we love, we get
defensive. We need to discover what is it that we love so much, that we would
hurt our neighbor in its defense? What is it that makes me feel secure, or
loved, or lovable? Is it health, achievement, people’s approval, material
security, some kind of pleasure, company...? Or is it God’s love, God’s
providence, my neighbor’s welfare and spiritual good, my children’s salvation?
The better the things we love, the more likely we will get angry only for the
right reason.
4. Finally, in moments of bad anger,
it may help to think about our own end, and compare this upsetting situation
with the extreme situation of life. “Remember your last days, set enmity aside;
remember death and decay and cease from sin!” (Sirach 28:6) In the end, what is this person taking
away from me? How much would this be, in the day of my death? What would I have
liked to do in this situation in my last hour?
May God help us to moderate our
anger! “If one who is but flesh cherishes wrath, who will
forgive his sins?” (Sirach
28:5) May God forgive us, and help us to
forgive.
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